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Belichick The (Comic) Genius

Some are comparing the #DeflateGate events to an SNL sketch, and they are on the right path. The only problem with that thinking is that it didn’t go far enough down the rabbit hole.

DeflateGate isn’t an SNL sketch; it’s just too well improvised. It’d be missing the mark to call it a classic Curb Your Enthusiasm episode as well, because everyone’s still a part of that too. What Bill Belichick did was a well-executed Borat-type of joke on the world, with a little bit of Keyser Söze mixed in to really set us up for the punchline. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t have a sense of humor. And like that, poof. All you’re talking about is the weight of his balls.

So-called professional journalists are all over this topic with well thought out questions such as: Who’s been handling the Patriots’ balls? How have they been handled? Were they too soft? These are the questions that are being asked now, and none of them can (or should) be asked with a straight face. And that’s all by design. Congrats America [slow clap], you bit on this one, hard.

I didn’t see it coming either, but I can see it clearly now. We all have fallen victim to the carefully laid trap that Belichick set for us all. Call it the long con, because it took a lot of intricate planning, a little luck and tremendous patience to see it through. Or more simply put: it’s the most elaborate ball joke the world has ever seen.

Do you really think that the droll presence put forth by Bill at each press conference is real? No man with that demeanor could keep a team at the top for so long. Eventually he’d start to lose them. Belichick must be one hilarious bastard in the locker room and he finally decided that it was about time the rest of the world realized it.

After lengthy discussions with anonymous “sources” from anonymous “organizations”, I was finally able to uncover the genesis and timeline of this fiendishly clever prank.

Back in training camp, Bill realized the potential of the team. As a team ages, it gets a little harder motivate them. Sensing this, Belicheck came up with a plan. Before laying it out to the team, Bill needed to make sure his star quarterback was up for the game. “Tommy Boy, you ugly bastard, get your ass in here. Close the door behind you, because I want to get to know your balls a little better,” said Bill with a chuckle as Brady settled into the chair across from him.

While what was said in the meeting remains shrouded in secrecy, what is known is that it must’ve went well because Bill addressed the team the next day. After a few off-color jokes and some light-hearted profanity, Belichick got to the point. “Guys, here’s the deal I’m going to make with you: get to at least the AFC Championship game, and I’ll make sure the country is talking about our balls in great detail for weeks on end.” Not one question was asked.

As the season progressed, it wasn’t looking like the team would make good on its part of the deal. In Week 4 they were on the business end of a beat down in Kansas City that saw them drop to 2-2. Calls for Brady’s head were made (or at least his starting spot).

Ever the prankster, Belichick found a genious way to lighten the mood. “Hey Gronk, I bet I can get through this press conference by saying ‘On to Cincinnati’ over and over again,” offered Bill. The stipulation: if he didn’t, Bill would let Gronk fart on his pillow. The redness of Brady’s eye after the Baltimore playoff game is a testament to the potency of a Gronk fart. Brady lost a similar pillow fart bet to Gronkowski earlier that week, and sure enough, his eye was glowing pink during the post game press conference. Needless to say, Bill didn’t need much more motivation.

The rest is history there. “On to Cincinnati” seemed to turn into a mock rallying cry for a team that didn’t really need one anyway. It was only a matter of time, a mere formality, before the world was let in on the secret that is Belichick genius sense of humor.

What people still don’t understand is that the dry, abrasive persona that Bill put forth during press conferences is actually quite funny…to those in on the joke. That is never the press, because usually there is something said in the locker room that dictates how Bill will address the media. They unwittingly become the punch line.

Many of you no doubt remember Wes Welker’s now famous ‘foot soldier’ comments to the media ahead of the Jets playoff game a few years back and how Bill benched him briefly for it. It was widely assumed that he was benched for insulting Rex Ryan and his infamous foot fetish. What people don’t know is that Bill benched him because Welker didn’t stick to the script that he and Bill had agreed upon (coincidentally enough it involved some ball puns to go with the foot references). Bill is as serious about his comedy as he is about football.

This leaves just one key detail to be explained: how did the balls lose their pressure (without anyone knowing)? That is ridiculously simple too. It all centers around the moumtainous mass of man that is Vince Wilfork.

Two things you need to know about Vince: 1.) the big man has little to no feeling from the waist down, and 2.) he’s a creature of habit. Vince sits in the same spot in the locker room before each game. Once the game balls were checked by the refs, Bill took all 12 of them and piled them where Wilfork sits. Like a big goony mother hen, Wilfork enventually sat on all of them without even realizing it, slowly squeezing the precious PSI’s out. When Bill figured enough had been let out, he laid a trail of cheese steak sandwiches on the ground and Vince lumbered off.

It was at that moment that a smile crept across Bill’s face. The hour was near; he was about to have the world by the balls because they’d be infatuated with his.

Which brings us to present day America, where because of incredible foresight and perfect planning, we all get to make bad ball puns and all the ball jokes we want. We need to celebrate this. Let’s just simply call it B Day, and make it a New England holiday. The B, of course, is short for Bash for Bill Belichick’s Big Beautiful Bouncy Balls. It’s a choose-your-own-PSI kind of holiday.

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