Mass Deflations Cause Inflated State of Panic
There is an ongoing probe right now by the NFL which is looking into whether or not the New England Patriots had illegally deflated footballs in their thorough probing of the Indianapolis Colts. Because one ball was removed from play to be examined, one obscure writer from Indy is blowing the conspiracy horn and trying to make a name for himself.
WTHR’s Bob Kravitz, who first broke the news, offered this statement:
“I know that sudden temperature changes, especially a warm day in the middle of winter, can wreak havoc on PSI’s. It’s tough. I’m constantly monitoring my blow up doll just to make sure Inflatia is just right. But please, don’t even try to tell me that the weather caused these balls to spontaneously deflate, making it easier for the Pats to pass their way to a big victory.”
When it was pointed out that the Pats ran their way to victory, Kravitz excused himself to go check on Inflatia.
While it was easy to brush all of this off as the ramblings of an attention-seeking instigator, reports have started to trickle in that might back up his story. Said Colts receiver T.Y. Hilton, “Every time I drew a deep breath, Devin McCourty would get up in my face and say ‘give me that air‘. I was scared. After that I tried to breathe more discretely for the sake of my lungs.”
Perhaps most alarmingly it appears that PSI in all things inflatable has started to drop dramatically across the region, especially in areas where current and former Patriots players have been spotted.
In fact, just last night, Vince Wilfork helped rescue a woman from a car wreck. State Police and the NFL are teaming up in a joint investigation to determine if the Pats had deflated her tires because eyewitnesses claimed to have seen Wilfork literally suck the air out of each of her tires. One by one, Wilfork put his mouth on the stem and quickly drew the air out, screaming “Vinny needs more air!” after each one. The woman, who was reportedly drunk behind the wheel, claimed she was so scared by the ball-deflating tactics she witnessed on the field that she needed to binge drink to build up her confidence to drive home. In other words, we can blame this one on Beli-cheat too.
Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker declared a state of emergency and is requesting assistance from the federal government in the wake of those widespread reports of PSI decreases in anything inflatable. Gov. Baker issued the following statement:
“My fellow Masachusetts…Massa…my fellow Massachians, please rest assured that no one is above the law. Let law enforcement officials do their job, and if the results of the investigation reveal a deep, dark plot in which the Belichick-led Patriots have beens stealing our PSI’s for the last 15 years, then I promise you they will face the full extent of the law. They will go from sucking the air out of footballs on the field to sucking the…”
Gov Baker was promptly pulled away by one of his aides before finishing that final thought.
Latest reports indicate the Patriots were all on the team bus and headed to the Beverly Municipal Airport, where the Hood Blimp is believed to be tied down. Emergency crews are evacuating anyone in the area.