Valentines Day Miracle
In honor of Valentine’s Day, here’s some advice: do something original. Don’t buy any stupid, corny, cliché card. Any store bought card is pretty much just saying something like this:
What are the odds that a complete stranger summed up my feelings for you so succinctly and perfectly?
Of all the cards I looked at in five minutes at CVS, this one luckily had a stranger’s thoughts that I could reasonably apply to our situation.
This card was the best I could find out of all the crap out there…just like you!
Now, if you were to make your own card that contained one of those gems inside, at least you’d score points for creativity. Okay, maybe not the last one. But still, screw Hallmark.
Anyway, on to the show! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you haven’t heard of the Valentine’s Day Miracle of 2005 then now’s the time to learn about this momentous event. It’s become something of a tradition for me to tell this story of that fateful weekend from a few years back. In a nod to Seinfeld, the names have been changed to protect the innocent (and crazy?).
It was Saturday, February 12, and the girl I was seeing at the time (we’ll call her “Mulva”) was coming by that night. The plan was for her to go out with a group including friends of mine and friends of hers, and then she would spend the night at my place. This was to be the first sleep over in our young dating encounter (not exactly a relationship), so it was a pretty big step.
We met through my roommate (we’ll call her “Delores”), who happened to the only female brave enough to live with three other guys in a sloppy bachelor pad and was also Mulva’s best friend. When Mulva did arrive that night I could tell immediately that she was in a bad mood and I was really taken aback by this. When asked if everything was okay she replied, “Yes.” Apparently she was expecting a big romantic night alone with me and I still, to this day, have no idea where that idea came from. To reiterate the plans that had been run by her before: we would be going out with a group of people that included Delores, so there was no way Mulva could’ve not known what was going on. People would be gathering at my place, then we’d make a quick stop on the way into the city so I could introduce some other friends to Mulva.
The first of my friends to arrive came via train, so Mulva and I had to take a quick drive a mile down the road to pick him up. The whole duration of the short drive was full of bad vibes, and as best as I tried to defuse the situation, she wasn’t responding to anything. She was even getting angry while I was driving and things proceeded to just get awkward once my friend was in the car. Walking from the car to the apartment, I could see her playing with her phone. All of a sudden I get a text from Mulva, and this is where the wheels really start to come off the wagon. The text reads:
HEY HOPE U R HAVING A GOOD NITE! MY NITE IS SUKING SO FAR:(
Wait, are you kidding me? At this point she had only been there fifteen minutes and she obviously was not even trying. Not to mention that it was just weird. Inside, we had a few minutes alone while my friend went off to shower. Again I asked if everything was fine. Mulva says yes but then starts getting angry because she hasn’t eaten all day. Now, I knew she didn’t do anything all day, so I was curious as to how this could be. I asked why, and she proceeded to blow my mind by saying that she only ate once a day to stay in shape. She didn’t work out, no other effort except for an unhealthy diet. Well that seemed to be a problem that I could rectify quite easily so I ordered some pizza. I went to get it alone and along the way I figured I would play along so I responded to her text finally with a simple “What’s wrong?” Quickly she responded with:
IT’S OK FOR NOW R U HANGING OUT 2NITE:)
Oh no she didn’t….did she? I quickly responded with, “Yeah… with you…” Within a second she shot back:
WAIT A MINUTE WHAT R U TALKING ABOUT?
The switch was flipped, the light bulb flickered on, and it finally dawned on me that she meant to send all those messages to somebody else. Now I was pretty pissed and knew I was in store for an unforgettable night, and not the good kind. Before we started eating I took advantage of another moment alone to confront her about the messages. Again I asked her if she was alright, and again she said yes. I then asked why she sent me the text and instead of coming clean she chose to play dumb. I had to pull out my phone and show her the messages, complete with her name attached to them. Her amazing response was, “Well I couldn’t possibly have sent that because I’m having a good time.” I said “okay” and that was it, I was done. There was just no point in arguing with a character like that.
Shortly thereafter, we finally headed out. She was still awkwardly not really responding and I could tell everybody, including me, was bored. At the party down the street, the “relationship” proceeded to circle the drain in tighter and faster circles on its inevitable way down. After we arrived and had a couple of quick introductions, my buddy’s girlfriend takes Mulva on a tour of the apartment and Mulva took this time to unload on a woman she just met. Instead of politely taking in the sights she decided to bitch about me to this stranger. While that was happening I quickly filled in my friends on the texts that were exchanged. Once word of that got around, in combination with the tour story, people were advising me to end it as soon as possible. That was the worst introduction I’ve ever heard of.
After a painfully silent cab ride we finally arrived at the final stop for the night. Walking in, she was directly behind me and decided to use this moment to take a shot at me. In a baffling display of stupidity, she starts making all these motions with her hands once our group is in sight, in an attempt to convey just how awful a date I was. This group was most definitely not hers, as a good 95% of the people in it were more my friends than hers, so why did she think she’d find support there?
Giving it one last shot, I went up to her to find out what was wrong and naturally she waited until we were in the most public place to come clean. She said she was having a terrible time and I couldn’t even deal anymore. I paused, laughed and walked away. Besides that, we didn’t have any contact at all until the end of the night. I branched off with a couple of my friends and spent the rest of the night just having a good time.
Right before close she came up to me and said, “I thought you left,” and in all honesty I could only respond with the same. Pretty soon we were heading back to my place, only in separate cabs this time. Delores decided to crash at her boyfriend’s that night and somehow someone came up with the idea of Mulva staying at my place, only in Delores’s room. How this would be anything but awkward is anybody’s best guess. My roommates were out of town, my other friends had left, so that just left me and a house full of crazy.
When I finally got up that morning, I had aspirations to run and go to the gym, but I didn’t want to leave her alone in the apartment because I was convinced that she was highly unstable. I didn’t even want to see or look at her, let alone talk to her. Since my room was upstairs and Delores’s was downstairs, that meant I was banished to the upstairs portion of the house until she left. We had only been on a couple of dates over the last month, so it’s not like it was anything remotely serious at that point. For some reason she didn’t get up until about noon, and then she decided to take a shower and didn’t leave until almost 1:00.
Once she was gone, panic set in as it dawned on me what was about to happen. Valentine’s Day was the next day and being the nice guy that I am, I had arranged for flowers to be delivered to her office. That couldn’t happen after last night, and I then realized what needed to be done. I had to get on the phone to 1-800-FLOWERS and put an emergency stop on the pink tulips (her favorite) that were en route to her office for Valentine’s Day delivery.
Once connected, I told the customer service rep what needed to be done, and the response was “Sorry sir, that package has already been shipped. The only way to cancel it now is if she rejects it upon delivery.” The way I saw it, if Mulva was presented with that choice, no matter what she chose, she’d have the upper hand. Either way, I was never going to talk to her again and I wanted to go out on top.
I started to panic and said, “No, you don’t understand, she can’t get those; she can’t have the chance to reject them.” After a brief pause, I delivered what turned out to be the game saving line: “Listen, I caught her in bed with my neighbor; she’s not getting these flowers.” After a moment of stunned silence, the customer rep’s response was, “Okay Sir, give me your number. I’ll call FedEx and see what I can do.”
After a couple of minutes filled with nervous pacing, the rep called back. Her answer: “Sir, we got in touch with FedEx, and the only thing they could do is destroy the package. Because the order was cancelled you’ll get a full refund.”
Up to that point, it was probably the best news I had ever heard in my life. I was fully prepared to eat the sixty dollars – anything to keep her from getting those tulips. You know, on our first date Mulva told me she speaks her mind and that she never lies… who lies about that?
My visual of the package being destroyed goes something like this: a call being placed to a FedEx driver who is out on some road in the middle of nowhere. The truck pulls over to the side of the road with a squeal of the tires. The door flies open and the driver sprints back down the road, with the package in one hand and a grenade in the other. In quick, fluid motions he places the package down, tears it open and slams the now active grenade into it. He sprints back to the truck and peels out in a cloud of dust and watches the explosion in his side mirror as he flies down the road. It truly was a miracle.
It really captures the spirit of the holiday, doesn’t it?
About ejnshowRunner. Writer. Lover of the absurd. Hobbies include bringing all three of these elements together.
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