My Thoughts On The Armstrong Confession

I gave the Lance Armstrong confession a lot of thought and, after much deliberation and very careful wording, here’s what I’ve come up with:

Oprah Winfrey has her own channel? Are you shitting me? Really? Like on cable, and not one of those internet only shows?

Which led to my next thoughts:

What channel is it? I scoured my channel guide and couldn’t come up with it. Does it really exist? This must be a hoax. How did we all really find out about this anyway? Was it the dying wish of Lennay Kekua for this to take place? It’s probably not even happening.

My guess for the hottest web search right now:

‘What channel is Oprah’s network on?’

followed closely by:

‘Does Oprah really have a network?’

and then:

‘Was Manti Te’o really dating the Loch Ness Monster?’

and not too far behind:

‘Really? Oprah?’

Much to my chagrin, I don’t even get the damn Oprah Winfrey Network. Damn you Oprah! I had to suffer the indignity of calling the cable company to see if that was right. As a man, I never thought I’d be on the phone with customer service asking about the Oprah channel. A piece of me died.

Some of you are probably thinking ‘who didn’t know Lance was dirty?’, and you’re right. It’s an obvious thing, but the confession brought some finality to it, enough for me to finally come out with a rant about it. I’ve been off of his bandwagon for some time now but was waiting for a moment like this to unleash my fury. Some of my fury was more suitable for an episode of South Park, so this is only a semi-fury.

Anything involving Lance is questionable right now. Remember his memorable scene in Dodgeball? Good stuff, and at a pivotal point in the movie too. I’m thinking now that the Average Joe’s only won it all because Vince Vaughn went off to pump his body full of performance-enhancing substances. That’s right, it was a tainted dodgeball title! Is there anything sacred anymore?

Remember this commercial from way back when?

“Everybody wants to know what I’m on. What am I on? I’m on bike busting my ass for six hours a day. What are you on?”

How badass is that? I loved that commercial. It might even be the reason why I ended up buying one of those stupid Livestrong bracelets. I think most pro cyclists are dirty, so in that sense he didn’t necessarily have an unfair advantage. That means he still beat everybody and performed historically impressive feats. Knowing for sure that he wasn’t clean just ruins it for me. That commercial just seems ridiculous now. When I first saw it, the element of it that I found appealing was that he was busting his ass in a clean way and still beating all the other guys soundly. Why would someone who came so close to death risk putting any illicit substances back into their body? It just didn’t make sense. He had to be clean!

The worst part of all this is knowing that Lance duped me into looking like a douche. Wearing those ridiculous yellow bracelets for all those years, and for what? His achievements were ill-gotten and the charity that he championed was shady. Look, I’m not saying he didn’t help people, because he clearly did, but finding out in recent months just how much money was spent on non-cancer related costs was insane. And the amount of money he pocketed while doing so is insulting, at best. He could’ve helped so many more people with the funds that were raised. Don’t even get me started on the whole vs issue. I seem to be having trouble finding some of the more pointed pieces I’ve read in the past. I think that all of the material related to the recent interview/confession have clogged the search engines, so to speak. I don’t want to waste any more time on the guy. I’m sure if you did a little digging you could find some stuff about their practices that would seem questionable. Hopefully their behavior doesn’t deter people from giving altogether. I for one will just choose to donate to a more trustworthy charity.

I’m done with Lance, let’s focus on the clean hard-working people that matter. As soon as we can figure out who they are.


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About ejnshow

Runner. Writer. Lover of the absurd. Hobbies include bringing all three of these elements together.

2 responses to “My Thoughts On The Armstrong Confession”

  1. Russell Johnson says :

    That Outside magazine article on Livestrong was one of my favorite article ever written. So much juice there.

    • ejnshow says :

      I read one that I thought was even better a while back. It went into more detail about how much Lance was pocketing from donations received on group rides with donors, etc., but I can’t seem to find it now.

      Also, as much as I can’t stand those yellow bracelets, the South Park episode that came out recently that had a Dr Seuss-style take on those things was hilarious. Definitely worth putting up with those things for years just to see what those guys did with it.

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