You Bring the Money, I’ll Bring the Matches
In honor of a colossal turd being released on DVD, I thought I’d rehash a movie “review” I did a few months ago.
A headline caught my eye this morning: “Battleship Sinks at the Box Office“. No shit! I would’ve passed on reading it, but the subtitle drew me in: “Far short of expectations”. Really?! How do you fall far short of none?
I expected it to be a huge waste of time and money, so it really is playing out exactly like I predicted. I haven’t seen it yet, and should I have a change of heart in the future, the most I’d pay to see it would be the $1.20 Redbox rental fee. That’s my ceiling for this turd.
I can’t take this movie seriously, not with that title and the association with the board game. I’d be more open minded to it if it just had a different title. It’s obvious that Universal is just taking worn out story lines and tying them in with predictably over the top special effects in an attempt to separate you from your money.
If you have seen Battleship, or are even giving it serious thought, let me help you out to save you the time and effort. Let’s just take all of the money out of your wallet, douse it with gasoline and light it on fire. But we can’t be too careful here; I don’t want to hear about you just going to the ATM later on and getting more money. We just can’t have people supporting this shit in Hollywood, so we’ll need to act more drastically. Sell all of your posessions, empty the bank accounts and then get an advance on your salary and we’ll light all of that on fire.
Is that harsh? Yeah, but it’s necessary. It’s even a waste of time for me to be writing this. The only good to come out of this colossal piece of shit is the parodies and the jokes. Funny or Die has a decent spoof of it, where they put together a trailer for a movie based on Chutes and Ladders. Ever since I saw the first trailer for Battleship, I’ve been joking about how the time has come to make an epic movie based on Connect Four. The more unrealistic the story line and the weaker the tie to the actual game, the better the jokes are.
You have to wonder if this started as an inside joke. Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that meeting at Universal, where someone actually proposes: “Let’s try to kickstart a franchise based on the Battleship board game! It has to be huge, so we’ll invest at least $200 million in it, we’ll market the shit out of this thing, then to top it all off we’ll have Rihanna star in it.”
Which brings me to my next point: Why Rihanna? I’ll be honest, I do like some of her music, but I have no interest in watching her attempt to act. The only movie I want to see Rihanna in is if she leaks a sex tape. In fact, that’ll be the only way for Universal to recuperate their losses here; Battleship II would have to be just Rihanna’s sex tape. If it was on a boat of some type, that’ll help tie it in, I suppose, but in reality they don’t even need that.
They could beef it up by taking a Bowfinger-type approach with it, and add scenes to it after the fact in an attempt to make it look more like an actual movie. It should open with a scene in the Oval Office, where the President’s advisers are warning him of an alien attack. The President then suggests: “The only way to save the world is if Rihanna has a sexual encounter with an unknown man on a nautical vessel, and the whole thing is filmed poorly.” Inevitably, a cabinet member would question how this would help, and the President would remove his glasses, tiredly rub his eyes and reply: “It’s not worth saving a world in which we don’t have a low quality video of Rihanna having sex on a boat.” To which the cabinet members would solemnly nod, then give the President a standing ovation. Finally, after the money shot, Rihanna can then say “oh baby, you sank my battleship”. Cut! Print! Gold!
It’s clear that my talents go to waste every day that I’m not involved in making movies. It’s Hollywood’s loss. Whenever they come to their senses, I’ll be here waiting, with scripts for Connect Four and Battleship II just begging to be turned into a cash cow for them.