Tired of Man-Boobs?
Tired of man-boobs? Want that athletic body like you…never had…or never worked for? Don’t want to exercise or change your diet? Well, have we got news for you!
New from the makers of Insta Slim comes Insta Bulge! We’ve already fooled millions of women into thinking their date was in shape by getting our slimming compression shirts onto obese sloths across the country!
If looking slim just wasn’t enough for you (and why should it be?), we proudly present the next step in the Insta evolutionary process. Pay attention men: using our patented Smoke & Mirrors technology, Insta Bulge compresses the fat in your upper body (especially those floppy tits) and relocates it down to the erogenous zone.
The displaced fat is collected in our anatomically correct genital replication cup and turns those unwanted sweater cows into the wedding tackle you’ve always dreamed of having!
Have a big date coming up? Don’t bother working out, just eat more! The more out of shape you are, the more Insta Bulge has to work with! If you order now we’ll upgrade you to our platinum line – free of charge! Insta Bulge Platinum converts your nasty B.O. into your choice of three scents: new car, pine forest, or McDonald’s during breakfast. Now you don’t even have to bother showering, either.
There are three great ways to order: call 1-800-BULGING; online at www.phatbulge.com; or you can always find it at the intersection of lazy, vain and zero self-esteem!
Warning! Not recommended to be worn for more than five minutes at a time. Insta Bulge must be removed slowly over the course of two hours, otherwise the relocated fat may rocket out of place causing your insides to liquify. Side effects include: shortness of breath, larger man-boobs, uncontrollable sweating, severe flatulence, loss of feeling below the neck, shrinkage, high blood pressure, death, loss of dignity. But…it comes in just about any color!