Tweet Dirty To Me

It’s no secret that I want a career change. To be free of the inane banality that is accounting would be the ultimate goal. Starting a blog to practice and showcase what I would have to offer in a more creative capacity is a step in the right direction, but that’s not enough anymore. Social media is so vital in getting your message to the masses these days that it is necessary to get more involved in Facebook and Twitter.

With that, I did something I swore I would never do: start tweeting. Within an hour or so of opening my very first Twitter account, I noticed that I had three followers: one familiar face and two seemingly random people. I excitedly thought to myself ‘excellent, word is spreading!’ Nope, it was just porn.

The spam filters on my email accounts have been wonderful over the past several years in keeping things like this from my sight. Between that and the fact that I closed my MySpace account years ago, I think I’ve forgotten just how intrusive and/or creative the porn industry can be when it comes to marketing themselves.

My two new friends were Deloris Divento and Lucia Trinidad, and I was disappointed to discover that these were not in fact two new fans. The website names displayed in the link that accompanied their Twitter profile had to do with the desire for a certain male appendage and also one’s affinity for multiple sex partners at once, respectively. Their screen names and domain names were great though so it was all still very entertaining. In the interest of full disclosure, I did not check out their websites so it was not that entertaining.

Why Twitter, why? With the obnoxious amount of porn on the internet, does the porn industry really need to spam Twitter with it? I don’t even know how Twitter porn would work. Is the phrase tweet dirty to me gaining in popularity unbeknownst to me? If so, then all those poor, homely souls working the late night erotic call lines might find themselves filing for unemployment benefits soon. What does one do for work when their only talent is a sultry voice? I’ll tell you one thing, the drive through lines would be much more entertaining (and probably longer) if the adult chat operators shifted over to the fast food industry.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by this as even the name Twitter and the act of tweeting have always seemed to reek of innuendo, along with other notable websites (I’m talking about you, Google). If someone said something to me about firing off a couple of Tweets then Googling themselves, my gut reaction would be “should I…should I give you some privacy?”

This seemed to open the door for more porn, as I soon received a message through my blog from a stranger that was quite suspicious:

These tactics annoy me but at the same time I don’t want to see it all stop. I find the names and web addresses to all be both gratuitously descriptive and quite comical. I’m looking forward to the day when Mercedes McLabia starts to follow me on Twitter. I’m sure she’ll have a great website called something like mouthfulofballs.net, but even then I might be giving the industry too much credit. That domain name might be too clever for them. After all, what is it referring to, gumballs? Cheese balls?

I’m going to leave Deloris and Lucia as Twitter followers for now. Is that wrong? On one hand it seems harmless, but then on the other it seems to be the social media equivalent of hiring a high end escort to accompany you to a party. Sure they’re following me, but it’s only because they’re getting paid to (only not by me). If I cut them loose, then I’d just be down to one measly follower, and that’d just be pathetic. I’ll leave them on as long they refrain from jamming my twitter feed with their lustful propaganda. There’s no place for gangbang4breakfast.com or daddyissuesdrovemetothis.net on my blog!

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About ejnshow

Runner. Writer. Lover of the absurd. Hobbies include bringing all three of these elements together.

4 responses to “Tweet Dirty To Me”

  1. Trish hillery says :

    Hi Eric, hilarious post! Perhaps you should consider Creative Writing Teacher as a career change option? Btw, how’s the recovery from surgery coming along?
    Trish Hillery

    • ejnshow says :

      Thanks Trish! I’m open to it, not sure where to even begin, or more importantly, if I’d even come close to qualifying. Recovery from surgery is coming along. I’m only crying about 23.5 hrs/day now. Today was my first day doing more “intense” PT stuff. I can bend my knee!

  2. sassandbalderdash says :

    The website for that one Tweet-er may be the best thing I have ever seen. There’s nothing subtle about i-want-cock.net. I’ve gotten a couple of porn followers on my own Twitter account, and I’m always briefly excited that I may have a new follower but nope… They just want to exchange graphic sex for money. It’s a tough crowd on Twitter.

    • ejnshow says :

      I never checked the site out, but that’s not surprising. My latest Twitter follower, gained just after publishing this: Titillating Babes. Guess what the profile pic was? A topless babe with a lot money invested in her chesticles. The porn industry is not one for subtleties or discretion, but they are unintentionally hilarious.

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