Oh Captain, My Captain!

Thoughts from my last trip, which involved flying and a bus ride.

On the first leg of our journey home, some air travel related tidbits popped into my head. I don’t fly too often, and maybe because of that I either don’t know the answer or focus on things that would be background noise to more seasoned flyers. Lucky for you (can be said sarcastically), I don’t fly too often and was motivated to write about my observations of the captain and his spritely crew.

You’re looking at the Jack Bauer of curtains.

Can anyone explain what happened to the curtain separating the first class section from the rest of the cabin? The curtains I saw accomplished nothing besides scaring away poor people who are deathly afraid of sheer fabric. These things were completely see-through and didn’t even completely hide the upper class from our lowly field of view.

This raises a few questions: why have it and do first class passengers demand it? Are there really assholes out there that would be upset without it? If they need that, then they strike me as the type who would wait in a bathroom line just to piss on the seat. Fuckers.
I could be missing something obvious here, so I’ll just throw it out there: security curtain. It may look completely pointless and useless, but what if it served a higher purpose? You can’t be too careful in this post-9/11 world, so maybe if the captain gets a whiff of a threat he just has to flip a switch and all of sudden that curtain becomes impenetrable. Or better yet, a would-be hijacker would get 100,000 volts blasted through his or her body just from touching it.
Speaking of the captain, what does that title actually mean? It’s not meant as a dig or anything. Even after a quick web search I didn’t really find anything that would convince me that I’m wrong to question it.
The title just seems frivolous and unnecessary. Why can’t the pilot just be the pilot? Captain? Really? Captain of what? Do you really need a captain to handle another pilot and a bunch of people serving snacks in the back? Is it a nod to older times on the high seas? Is the title necessary to keep the mutiny-minded flight attendants in check?
So that brings us to the flight attendants. I don’t question that they work hard and probably put up with some real douchebags at 35,000 feet. What I’m wondering is were they really overworked to the point that the pre-flight instructions needed to be made into an annoying movie? Why do we need a video to tell us the safety procedures? Shouldn’t the flight attendants be doing that? Maybe they’re too busy plotting a mutiny. Thank God we have a captain (and a security curtain)! I wonder how it is that an airline can justify blowing time and money on producing that crap while other costs are skyrocketing and they seem to be cutting back on everything else.
As if the pre-flight “movie” wasn’t annoying enough, they now have recorded messages in multiple languages that’ll come on when The Captain throws on the seatbelt sign. How is it that the seat belt sign no longer has any meaning? Do we really need to stop the in-flight entertainment to show a multi-lingual video explaining what that simple, universal sign means? Why can’t these jag-offs hear the loud bell and see the illuminated signs and solve that puzzle?
As I sit here and write my thoughts (and rants) about the commercial airline experience, I do so on a bus. I have to reiterate that point because this beat down bus has WiFi, whereas the four planes I took over the last week effectively did not.

I say effectively because one did have it, but it shut off as soon as we crossed into international waters. It was a ninety minute flight, and it took us about thirty minutes to reach international waters. We couldn’t even turn on electronic devices until twenty five minutes in, so what’s the point?

We’re on a Peter Pan bus as I finish this up. This beat down POS bus has WiFi (it seems their entire fleet does), which leads me to believe that bus technology has far surpassed airline technology. The WiFi mine as well be non-existent here since the gentleman in front of us appears to be downloading the entire internet. Save some for the rest of us, d-bag! It’s like standing in line at a water fountain, just waiting for a quick drink, but forced to watch the asshole in front of you fill up twenty of those big water cooler containers. The internet will still be there once you get off the bus, you anonymous ass clown, cut it out!

I don’t mean to make buses sound glamorous, don’t get me wrong. During our four hour ride I was forced to use their outhouse on wheels. That was pretty scary! The ride became so rough I was fairly convinced that I’d either bounce out the window or ended up somewhere in that waste tank. I think bus driver decided to drive on the shoulder of the road when I went in there. He’s no captain! Airplane bathrooms seems luxurious compared to that bus restroom.

Enough potty talk! Where were we? Oh yeah, WiFi. Have we really not advanced technology far enough where we can’t have WiFi on each and every flight? If my flight doesn’t have it, I don’t want to hear about how you may offer it. Don’t tease me with that shit! That’s right up there with going throughout the cabin and telling all of us peasant folk what is being offered to the first class elite behind that damn curtain. Wait a second…was that seemingly useless curtain keeping all of the delicious WiFi from leaving first class?! Well played, American Airlines, well played indeed.

For now, this is your captain speaking. Sit down and put on your seat belts (siéntese y póngase el cinturón de seguridad), please enjoy the thought of WiFi, and don’t even think about looking through our see-through curtains! You’re flight attendants will be around shortly to show you a movie of your drink selections. Thanks for flying the absurd skies!


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About ejnshow

Runner. Writer. Lover of the absurd. Hobbies include bringing all three of these elements together.

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