Raking It In

For a few years now my left arm had been essentially useless when it came to any significant task. I have some severe case of ‘golfer’s elbow’, a really acute tendonosis that keeps me from lifting anything remotely heavy. I hadn’t looked into because I was already wasting too much time and money treating my various leg woes. I was a righty anyway, so I just depended on my right arm a little more.

Since I’m back to running now, I thought it’d be smart to address the arm and had been making progress. But then I decided to do some raking. After clearing the yard I felt a little swell of pride, but then the next morning my right forearm had a huge swell of…shit. I woke up Monday morning with a pain so intense that I was convinced I had somehow broken my wrist. How was my right forearm swollen if I had never fallen or bumped it?

Luckily I had a PT appointment for my left arm and I had that checked out while the left elbow was getting treated. Nothing seems to be broken, but it appears that I now have an acute case of tenonitis in my right forearm/wrist. How bad is it? Well, I now recite every curse word I know while brushing my teeth. I’m even inventing some new ones.

But now, just as the left arm was getting better, it has been thrust into the role of the ‘good arm’ as the right arm has been rendered temporarily decorative. That’s a troubling development.

To be stricken with left elbow tendonosis and right wrist tendonitis simultaneously is not unheard of, but typically the afflicted consists only of teenage boys who have incredibly fast broadband, a whole lot of privacy and parents who don’t question the depletion of the tissue inventory.

It hit me a few hours later at work: I have two bad arms now. Both were pulled in tight, almost instinctively as some sort of protective measure. In one hand was the pen I was feebly trying to write with; I must’ve looked like some sort of T Rex Bob Dole.

Although I don’t quite need my arms to run, it does make maintenance stuff like foam rolling a bit more tricky (nay, impossible). So you’ll probably see me at races competing more now, but just don’t ask me for any autographs or high fives. T Rex Bob Dole don’t do that.

Universe Back in Balance, Pats Win

Rap rap rap. Nothing. Again, Robert Kraft gently knocked his knuckles on the outside of the cave-like habitat. Suddenly there were sounds of stirring on the inside. The words ‘humility’ and ‘integrity’ could be heard amongst the faint squeaking/squealing sounds. Mr. Kraft held his hand up to the gathered mob of media and other Groundhog Day weirdos fanatics as if to say ‘here it comes’.

Kraft opened the wooden door, peeked in, then reached in with his arm and pulled Roger Goodell out by the scruff of his neck. Goodell stared into the gathered mass, with the flash of camera reducing his beady eyes to a squint. Unfortunately for us, Roger Goodell saw his shadow today which means there will be six more weeks of DeflateGate investigations. Six more weeks, before Goodell announces some conclusion that leaves us all mystified, confused and angry.

Now that this Groundhog Day silliness is behind us, I’d like to share a couple of closing thoughts on last night’s Super Bowl:

It was the Butler!

I think there are two reasons we need to back off of Pete Caroll for the decision to throw instead of run there at the end. For one, it takes away from the fact that Malcolm Butler made a great play. He made that happen. Two, that was balance and order being restored in the universe.

You see, the only reason why it came down to that was because of an impossibly ridiculous circus catch by Kearse, despite excellent defense by Butler on that play. Instead of the ball falling harmlessly incomplete it somehow found its way into Kearse’s hands as he was flailing on the ground like a tipped over tortoise. Instead of it being 2nd and 10 at the NE 38 with 1:14 to play, it was now 1st and goal from the 5. Incredible. It was the Tyree catch all over the again. But wait…it can’t be. It …literally…can’t…be. It’s just not possible that a team loses a Super Bowl in gut punch fashion twice (3 times if you want to count Manningham’s catch). No matter how good you are, it does take some luck to bring home a title and now this Patriots franchise was seemingly quite snake bitten. Remember that Mophie commercial where the world descends into chaos because the battery on God’s device died? I’m pretty sure that’s what happened to allow Kearse to catch that ball. As soon as God got a charge back into his device he thought “Oh shit, that wasn’t supposed to happen. I’d better fix this” and then we get the game saving INT two plays later. The whole thing reeked of Divine intervention.

Balance was restored.

Belichick The Genius

You have to have a certain level of trust in your team to get as far as both teams did. Less than a minute on the clock in the Super Bowl with the game on the line, every decision matters. When the Seahawks were down inside the 5 it became obvious they were going to score. I couldn’t figure out why Belichick wasn’t either just letting them score or using timeouts. But then it hit me: trust. He trusts his defense enough to live or die by them with the game on the line in the Super Bowl. If Seattle did punch it in and they lost, some might defend his tactics there but I think ultimately his decision making would’ve been questioned. Obviously it worked out in his favor, but it seemed like one of those things where regardless of the outcome the decision making was sound. The choices are: trust your defense to make a huge play and save the game, or try to get the ball back and somehow march 70-80 yards in a matter of seconds on a historically great defense. Brady already did his part, it was time for the defense to do theirs.

The team had championship DNA and they proved it with the way they played in the waning seconds.

From Order Comes Chaos

Just as I was thinking that order was restored in the world, I saw this:

Palin Facebook Belichick

Sarah Palin, who probably thinks she can see Seattle from her house, supports the Pats? For real? I don’t know what to make of that. It can’t be a good thing though.

Belichick & Lynch: The Ultimate Conversation

I’m thankful

The following is a transcript from a conversation that took place between Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch during a break in today’s media session at the Super Bowl:

Bill (BB): “Um, I like, like, a little puppet.”
Marshawn (ML): “Yeah.”
BB: “You can kind of put your fingers in.”
ML: “Yeah.”
BB: “It’s a little monkey, and then he can talk and move his fingers and nod his head, so he can kind of talk back to you.”
ML: “Thank you.”
BB: “Wet. Sticky. Cold. Slippery.”
ML: “Thank you.”
BB: “This week it’s all about Seattle.”
ML: “Nope.”
BB: “Wet. Sticky. Cold. Slippery.”
ML: “Yeah.”
BB: pauses to clear his sinuses/lungs/throat with a series of grunts
ML: “Thanks for asking.”
BB: “My attention is focused on the Seattle Seahawks.”
ML: pauses to jam some Skittles in his mouth
BB: “Wet. Sticky. Cold. Slippery.”
ML: “Nope.”
BB: grunts, followed by “The balls we practice with are as bad as they can be.”
ML: “Yeah.”
BB: “However bad we can make ’em, I make ’em.”
ML: “Thanks for asking.”
BB: “This week it’s all about Seattle.”
ML: “Yeah.”
BB: “Wet. Sticky. Cold. Slippery.”

There was then an awkward pause, followed by the sound of loose Skittles hitting the floor and 30 seconds of nasal snorting from Bill. The two then wandered off in different directions. All who witnessed it stood there, agape.

Note: Actual quotes delivered at recent press conferences were used here to simulate what it would be like if the two of these great orators actually spoke in public.

Belichick The (Comic) Genius

Some are comparing the #DeflateGate events to an SNL sketch, and they are on the right path. The only problem with that thinking is that it didn’t go far enough down the rabbit hole.

DeflateGate isn’t an SNL sketch; it’s just too well improvised. It’d be missing the mark to call it a classic Curb Your Enthusiasm episode as well, because everyone’s still a part of that too. What Bill Belichick did was a well-executed Borat-type of joke on the world, with a little bit of Keyser Söze mixed in to really set us up for the punchline. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t have a sense of humor. And like that, poof. All you’re talking about is the weight of his balls.

So-called professional journalists are all over this topic with well thought out questions such as: Who’s been handling the Patriots’ balls? How have they been handled? Were they too soft? These are the questions that are being asked now, and none of them can (or should) be asked with a straight face. And that’s all by design. Congrats America [slow clap], you bit on this one, hard.

I didn’t see it coming either, but I can see it clearly now. We all have fallen victim to the carefully laid trap that Belichick set for us all. Call it the long con, because it took a lot of intricate planning, a little luck and tremendous patience to see it through. Or more simply put: it’s the most elaborate ball joke the world has ever seen.

Do you really think that the droll presence put forth by Bill at each press conference is real? No man with that demeanor could keep a team at the top for so long. Eventually he’d start to lose them. Belichick must be one hilarious bastard in the locker room and he finally decided that it was about time the rest of the world realized it.

After lengthy discussions with anonymous “sources” from anonymous “organizations”, I was finally able to uncover the genesis and timeline of this fiendishly clever prank.

Back in training camp, Bill realized the potential of the team. As a team ages, it gets a little harder motivate them. Sensing this, Belicheck came up with a plan. Before laying it out to the team, Bill needed to make sure his star quarterback was up for the game. “Tommy Boy, you ugly bastard, get your ass in here. Close the door behind you, because I want to get to know your balls a little better,” said Bill with a chuckle as Brady settled into the chair across from him.

While what was said in the meeting remains shrouded in secrecy, what is known is that it must’ve went well because Bill addressed the team the next day. After a few off-color jokes and some light-hearted profanity, Belichick got to the point. “Guys, here’s the deal I’m going to make with you: get to at least the AFC Championship game, and I’ll make sure the country is talking about our balls in great detail for weeks on end.” Not one question was asked.

As the season progressed, it wasn’t looking like the team would make good on its part of the deal. In Week 4 they were on the business end of a beat down in Kansas City that saw them drop to 2-2. Calls for Brady’s head were made (or at least his starting spot).

Ever the prankster, Belichick found a genious way to lighten the mood. “Hey Gronk, I bet I can get through this press conference by saying ‘On to Cincinnati’ over and over again,” offered Bill. The stipulation: if he didn’t, Bill would let Gronk fart on his pillow. The redness of Brady’s eye after the Baltimore playoff game is a testament to the potency of a Gronk fart. Brady lost a similar pillow fart bet to Gronkowski earlier that week, and sure enough, his eye was glowing pink during the post game press conference. Needless to say, Bill didn’t need much more motivation.

The rest is history there. “On to Cincinnati” seemed to turn into a mock rallying cry for a team that didn’t really need one anyway. It was only a matter of time, a mere formality, before the world was let in on the secret that is Belichick genius sense of humor.

What people still don’t understand is that the dry, abrasive persona that Bill put forth during press conferences is actually quite funny…to those in on the joke. That is never the press, because usually there is something said in the locker room that dictates how Bill will address the media. They unwittingly become the punch line.

Many of you no doubt remember Wes Welker’s now famous ‘foot soldier’ comments to the media ahead of the Jets playoff game a few years back and how Bill benched him briefly for it. It was widely assumed that he was benched for insulting Rex Ryan and his infamous foot fetish. What people don’t know is that Bill benched him because Welker didn’t stick to the script that he and Bill had agreed upon (coincidentally enough it involved some ball puns to go with the foot references). Bill is as serious about his comedy as he is about football.

This leaves just one key detail to be explained: how did the balls lose their pressure (without anyone knowing)? That is ridiculously simple too. It all centers around the moumtainous mass of man that is Vince Wilfork.

Two things you need to know about Vince: 1.) the big man has little to no feeling from the waist down, and 2.) he’s a creature of habit. Vince sits in the same spot in the locker room before each game. Once the game balls were checked by the refs, Bill took all 12 of them and piled them where Wilfork sits. Like a big goony mother hen, Wilfork enventually sat on all of them without even realizing it, slowly squeezing the precious PSI’s out. When Bill figured enough had been let out, he laid a trail of cheese steak sandwiches on the ground and Vince lumbered off.

It was at that moment that a smile crept across Bill’s face. The hour was near; he was about to have the world by the balls because they’d be infatuated with his.

Which brings us to present day America, where because of incredible foresight and perfect planning, we all get to make bad ball puns and all the ball jokes we want. We need to celebrate this. Let’s just simply call it B Day, and make it a New England holiday. The B, of course, is short for Bash for Bill Belichick’s Big Beautiful Bouncy Balls. It’s a choose-your-own-PSI kind of holiday.

Mass Deflations Cause Inflated State of Panic

There is an ongoing probe right now by the NFL which is looking into whether or not the New England Patriots had illegally deflated footballs in their thorough probing of the Indianapolis Colts. Because one ball was removed from play to be examined, one obscure writer from Indy is blowing the conspiracy horn and trying to make a name for himself.

WTHR’s Bob Kravitz, who first broke the news, offered this statement:

“I know that sudden temperature changes, especially a warm day in the middle of winter, can wreak havoc on PSI’s. It’s tough. I’m constantly monitoring my blow up doll just to make sure Inflatia is just right. But please, don’t even try to tell me that the weather caused these balls to spontaneously deflate, making it easier for the Pats to pass their way to a big victory.”

When it was pointed out that the Pats ran their way to victory, Kravitz excused himself to go check on Inflatia.

While it was easy to brush all of this off as the ramblings of an attention-seeking instigator, reports have started to trickle in that might back up his story. Said Colts receiver T.Y. Hilton, “Every time I drew a deep breath, Devin McCourty would get up in my face and say ‘give me that air‘. I was scared. After that I tried to breathe more discretely for the sake of my lungs.”

Perhaps most alarmingly it appears that PSI in all things inflatable has started to drop dramatically across the region, especially in areas where current and former Patriots players have been spotted.

In fact, just last night, Vince Wilfork helped rescue a woman from a car wreck. State Police and the NFL are teaming up in a joint investigation to determine if the Pats had deflated her tires because eyewitnesses claimed to have seen Wilfork literally suck the air out of each of her tires. One by one, Wilfork put his mouth on the stem and quickly drew the air out, screaming “Vinny needs more air!” after each one. The woman, who was reportedly drunk behind the wheel, claimed she was so scared by the ball-deflating tactics she witnessed on the field that she needed to binge drink to build up her confidence to drive home. In other words, we can blame this one on Beli-cheat too.

Wilfork the HeroMassachusetts Governor Charlie Baker declared a state of emergency and is requesting assistance from the federal government in the wake of those widespread reports of PSI decreases in anything inflatable. Gov. Baker issued the following statement:

“My fellow Masachusetts…Massa…my fellow Massachians, please rest assured that no one is above the law. Let law enforcement officials do their job, and if the results of the investigation reveal a deep, dark plot in which the Belichick-led Patriots have beens stealing our PSI’s for the last 15 years, then I promise you they will face the full extent of the law. They will go from sucking the air out of footballs on the field to sucking the…”

Gov Baker was promptly pulled away by one of his aides before finishing that final thought.

Latest reports indicate the Patriots were all on the team bus and headed to the Beverly Municipal Airport, where the Hood Blimp is believed to be tied down. Emergency crews are evacuating anyone in the area.

Breaking the Silence

cigars

The internet is abuzz with clips and quotes from Monica Lewinsky once again almost 16 years after her scandalous affair with President Clinton dominated the headlines. Ms. Lewinsky has broken her silence to say that “Sure, my boss took advantage of me, but I will always remain firm on this point: it was a consensual relationship.” […]

Romp In The Snow

Ran the Granite State Snowshoe Championships yesterday, which was my final race in the 2014 series. Before this season I had never even tried snowshoeing before. Ultimately, it was a success despite my lack of fitness. Maybe more to come on the race here if I can get around blogging again, but for now… Results […]

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