Damn You Snow!

Artists rendition of what a snow covered ground would look like, but not the current state of things here…yet.

I woke up this morning in Boston to a sound consistent with that of a hard rain. With all this talk of nor’easters, blizzards and [shaking head] Nemo, the sight of wet, heavy snow and howling winds was expected upon peering out the window.

Instead, the streets appear to have been covered in a thick black snow…wait a second! That’s not snow. There’s none to be seen. The noises I heard were just the steady 20+ mph winds rattling our window screens. The early panic really gets me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to be prepared, but there is a difference between being ready and being batshit crazy.

Any day of the year, should you be unfortunate enough to step into any Market Basket you would be greeted by a scene straight out of the Walking Dead: a healthy mix of a zombie hoard crowding the isles while the few remaining survivors shed all societal decency and fight over the last supplies. Mix in a nor’izzard and what you get is the need to bring in the fire department due to overcrowding. Yep, that happened in Salem. Almost 24 hours later and there’s still not a snow flake on the ground. At least they’re not burning witches anymore (that we know of).

Finally, I must turn my attention to the hard working weather folk out there. I’m pretty sure most of their hard work goes into thinking up ways to further whip us all into a frenzy. In honor of that attribute, I must share this Kent Brockman classic with you:

Damn you snow! It dawns on me now that The Simpsons have been on for so long that we could be experiencing generational gaps in understanding these references. I think I have most episodes memorized up until about the year 2000, but haven’t even seen all of the episodes since then. “Kids” today might know all the newer ones and not have a clue as to what I’m talking about when I reference the older ones. That’s scary.

Anyway, back to the weather reporters. Do we really even need them anymore? Since we now get text messages from the National Weather Service, can’t we just then rely on social media to spread it around like some massive game of telephone? If I’m to receive embellished, panic-stricken weather information, I’d rather get it from friends and family than from some overpaid asshole on TV (yeah, I’m talking mainly about you, Al Kaprielian).

Speaking of the NWS text alerts, I think the potential there is great. Some of you may have seen my post about this on Facebook yesterday in which I said that I hope they didn’t text me with late night booty calls. I’m going to have to change my mind here. I think those texts would be hilarious. Here are a few examples of inappropriate texts that I’d like to see from the NWS:

• My warm front is going to sweep in and push out your cold front. When it does, it’s going to make some loud thunder.
• Tonight should be clear and warm, perfect for skinny dipping.
• Here’s a list of everything you need should you lose power: candles, wine, lotion and some Marvin Gaye on a fully charged iPod.
• The snow should start at about 11 pm, at which point we should slip into something more comfortable.
• Forecast calls for 40 seconds of passion followed by years of regret. Text me when you get here.

and lastly….

• Giggaty giggaty giggaty!

Good luck surviving this beast of a storm. We’ll be talking about it for days, until the next Storm of the Century rolls through. Remember: stock up on food, stay off the roads as much as possible, and please try not to go into any hedge mazes at the height of the storm.